No! Not Okay…

Okay, so tell me… Are you just that stupid and conceited, or what? I mean, you’d have to be stupid to think that this is okay! You’d have to be stupid to think that after everything that happened last year and stuff you could just do that. I mean, you led me on, dumped me for my best friend with stupid excuses instead of the truth, completely avoided me and stuff because she hated me, started flirting with me and talking to me again over the summer when you guys broke up and she moved, then ditched it again because we both knew we still liked each other and you were scared, then you start dating some other girl, but still flirt with me at school and get her to hate me, then when she starts complaining you decide to stop and ditch me again (except in Algebra II and JROTC when she’s not there)… how on earth would you think that it’s okay to just start talking to me again randomly like none of this has happened; like we’re still friends! I mean, I’ll be your friend… If it’s real… I’m not going to be your secret friend! And you better not just try and be friends by acting like nothing ever happened! I mean, if you want to be friends again, a good way to start isn’t by just randomly starting a conversation like it’s last year!

I’m not going to be your secret friend. I’m not going to be there for you at home on Facebook, and then at school we ignore each other. I’m not going to sit there and jump at the chance to talk to you, because after a year of this agony I think I’ve finally realized that you just aren’t worth it! I’m not going to sit there and let you dictate my life. The truth is I don’t care anymore. You want to be friends, then become my friend. I’ll give you a restart if that’s what you want. I’ll pretend nothing happened… but by nothing I mean nothing. We start from scratch, or we go on what we have and change that into friendship. It’s up to you, but those are the only options!

What is unfair?

I think I’m being totally unfair to him. I mean, I talk to him, and I think I’ve become dependent on talking to him.. You know? I don’t know how I feel. I really don’t. So I don’t think its fair to sit there and… I don’t know.. Use him..? Lead him on..? When I don’t know what I want. Its not fair for him to have to pay for my indecisiveness, or my inability to trust people or let people in. He shouldn’t have to be just dragged along waiting. Thats not fair, and hes such a nice guy.
I guess what I’m worried about now, is what will happen when he leaves. When he decides hes done waiting. Thats what I fear. Thats the storm with unpredictable consequence I’ve been trying to avoid by not getting attached.. Am I accomplishing that mission? Well, thats the question of the year, isn’t it?

Practice Makes Perfect

M wasn’t at practice today, so Coach had me fill in for her when we stunted. I was main basing C with H, and Mk.
So we did a straight in extension to warm up. Then we did a lib pop down a few times. Then we did a stretch. After that we did lib fulls. And then we did stretch fulls.
But the best part! Kinda…  Everyone (in the group) was telling me that I’m a better base than M, and told me to join varsity and their stunt group… And stuff like that. Honestly, it’s nice to hear, but it made me a little uncomfortable.. Lol cause I don’t know what to say to that, I don’t know what to do. Lol but the worst part- Mk went and talked to Coach about it, and apparently so did C. H joked that she would too (at least I think she was joking). So now it’s like totally awkward because like… It just is! Lol
But who knows…maybe it will mean getting bumped up to varsity in the future 🙂 I’m not going to get my hopes too high up.. But you know 😀

The talk

So after I made jv (btw, I made jv) I was of course incredibly disappointed. I literally wanted to go die. I didn’t, but I wanted to. I just went to class. During JROTC, we shot the air rifles, and I think I did so well because I was channeling my anger. It was a block day, so we had half our classes for double the time. Next up, I went to Chemistry. I had a terrible stomach ache, so I took a nap. Then came third period… PE, with Coach. We ran our 15 hallways (run down the hallway 15 times) and as we were going to go into the wrestling room to do insanity, Coach calls my name. K its still standing in the hallway, looking at the list. Coach motions for her to go inside the wrestling room. First, she asks why someones name was crossed off the list. Coach says because that person is no longer on the team. Then she goes in. when he told her to go in, I kinda freaked out..i didn’t know what was coming.
So she goes in, and coach bursts into speech, ” “I know you’re probably disappointed. (I shake my head no) Just know you did fantastic yesterday.  It was a really hard decision. You work really hard always and I need you to keep that up. You are a great base. You really are, you’re probably just as good as every base on varsity. Your jumps need work though. (I knew my jumps needed work, so I wasn’t surprised to hear that). Don’t do what this person did (indicating the crossed out name). Don’t quit. I mean, imagine A goes downtown and gets in a fight. Who do you think… What do you think I would do? I would probably take D, but I can’t anymore. It’s just not good to quit. You know why your name is at the top of that list? (I shake my head) Because you were the one we wanted to take on varsity, just didn’t have room for.Your time is coming. I promise. Just stick with it, I mean, a lot of times, people will get tired of not being on top, and quit right before their time comes. Then when it does come, they aren’t there, and that’s… It’s just a shame.”
The whole time he’s talking, I am trying not to cry. I think that all my disappointment that I had been holding in was just starting to come out. I fought it. During insanity, I focused on just working hard. But then first half was over, and it was time for lunch. I had been quiet the whole time, and lunch was even worse. I grabbed my lunch, ate really quickly in silence, then left. I went to the bathroom, and just cried. I just sat there, and cried. I got under control like 10 minutes later. So I went and leaned on the wall in the hallway with the gym and locker rooms. I was pretending to use my phone. A walks by and thinks something is suspicious. He asks me if I’m okay. I manage to nod and say yes, but when he turns the corner, I lose it again. I run into the locker room, and cry. When I come out of the locker room, N, K,  and C all happen to be right there. I pretend I didn’t notice them and start walking to my locker. They follow because they can tell something is up. They ask me if im okay.. And of course that makes me lose it. I go cry again. When the bell rings, and we have to go back to PE, I had managed to get under control. K keeps asking me what is wrong, and I’m trying not to cry again, because I don’t want to make my partner uncomfortable (we are doing a swing dance unit). D and his partner are right next to me and mine. They have a question about something, and he asks me. I look up, and he goes, “Oh, are you crying?? Whats wrong?” So of course I start crying.. But I blink it back and manage to be okay without causing too much awkward. By fourth period, I’m a little better. I have no friends in that class, so I just get to think the whole time.. Which was nice 🙂

Tryouts.

So, to venture off the path of always talking about E, here comes a post concerning more of my teenage girl problems: Cheerleading Tryouts.
Cheer winter season tryouts are today. Needless to say, I’m freaking out! Football season wasn’t nearly as nerve wracking as this is. I’m really stressing. We have been talking about the comps team all of football season. Predicting who would make it, who would replace current varsity members, who would move up, who would be bumped down. We factored everything, and every time, ended up with a slightly different list than the last time. You might be thinking that I should be calmed by this news…if we have been predicting the team, I should know where I stand on it.. But the truth is, I don’t. I can think I have a chance, I can think I’m going to make the team, but really, Coach is going to do something that no one expected. He’s going to take 6 guys and 6 flyers. Or he will make S and M base because their spots as backspots were taken.. Who knows what he will do? All I can say is I’m freaking out. I can’t tell N or K this because they won’t get it. They both have nothing to fear. They are both going to make it, we all know that. But if I show them that I care, that I’m really nervous, then if I don’t make the team, our make jv then they are going to act all caring and supportive when really they will just be happy its not them. And it will just confirm C’s thoughts that he is better than me (which I still don’t think is entirely true).
I may not know if I’m going to make it.. Or anything like that, but I can tell you one thing. If C makes it and I don’t, I’m never speaking to him again. Harsh you may say. But if I don’t talk to him, he can’t tell me how I’m doing this wrong (even of I’m not). He can’t tell me about how he finally got his toss hands, or whatever. And he will not be able to use me when his real friends are busy.
What will really irk me though, is if Coach says anything about me being “the team player” again. Its nice that he sees me as being a team player, but I swear if he says that again, and then puts me back on jv, I will… Do nothing. We all know I will be upset, but what can I do except go with it, keep working hard, and show him he made a mistake? So thats exactly what I’m going to do.

Made my day

You know that person that you talk to, that one that you always feel like you are annoying, even if you aren’t. Have they ever said something or done something that just reassures you that you can’t be annoying them? Maybe they text you randomly telling you that you are awesome. Maybe they ask about your day, and show genuine interest. Or maybe they ask you about something you mentioned a week ago. That is literally just the best feeling in the world.
That just happened to me. I have this guy I talk to. Last week I told him about my minor leg injury. Then, today when we were talking, he asked how my leg was. It literally made my day 😀 He’s done stuff like this before, and every time I get just as happy. 🙂 the first time was when we were still barely getting to know each other. He was going to a football camp that morning, and he won’t have good internet service, so he told me that I should text him, and gave me his phone number. Then another time, I sent him a picture of me, a selfie (nothing dirty) because we were playing this game. I knew my face looked stupid, so I said “My face though, not cute” and he said, “I think its cute :)”  And then another time was when I had a mini meltdown, talking about my life and my trust issues, and being all emotional. I questioned him..and told him that if he wanted out before I truly let him in, to tell me now before I got attached. And he said something in german, I’ve already said it before, but it means basically that he likes talking with me, he likes listening to me, and he’s always there for me. Now things like that really make me happy, because they reassure me that I have someone to talk to when everything becomes too much, or when something great happens.
So, I challenge you to try and make someone happy, by reassuring them that they don’t annoy you, and you are always there for them. Even if you haven’t talked in a while, let them know that you still care.

I dare you…

Life is too short. You never know when it will end. With that in mind, I have a dare for you.
I dare you to wear no makeup for a whole day.
I dare you to kiss your crush.
I dare you to tell your crush you like him.
I dare you to laugh and have fun with your friends.
I dare you to tell that bitch off.
I dare you to try and answer the hard question in class.
I dare you to be 100% you, and not care what anyone else thinks.
I dare you to live your life to the fullest, because life is too short for anything else!